


Blood Gulch, But A Furry Pun

by robot870



Series: Red Fursus Blue [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon-typical language, Ficlet Collection, Gen, furry au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21801010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robot870/pseuds/robot870
Summary: Short stories and character studies from a Zootopia-like universe where everyone is an anthropomorphic nonhuman mammal. This time focusing on the Blood Gulch crew, and maybe some others if they're close enough.More tags and characters to be added whenever I write more!
Series: Red Fursus Blue [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568653
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. What Are We?

"So...what are we?"  
"Uh. Friends? I think? I mean, we're assholes to each other, but that's just kind of how we are, and we both know we actually-"  
"No, like, what are we, genetically? Like, I'm a rat, and you're a seal, but are really different species or what?"  
"Oh."  
There was an awkward silence before Simmons spoke again.  
"So, like, you know how we're all mammals? All the birds and shit aren't sapient in this universe. We eat them and keep them as pets. Isn't that weird?"  
Grif wasn't really paying attention, since Simmons did this a lot, but he liked to listen to him talk, so he grunted an affirmation.  
"Do you think we're all one species with major variations? Were humans a real thing, and do we take after them, or did we all evolve independently? Are you listening to me at all?"  
"Hmm? Yeah."  
"You're falling asleep again."  
"Not my fault you're so boring."  
"The history of everyone and their ability to think and speak is boring to you?"  
"Yeah?"  
They were both wearing their helmets, but Grif had seen Simmons without his enough to know that his ears were probably bright red at this point. He smirked under his own helmet. Every day in Blood Gulch was a whole bunch of useless nothing like this, but he wouldn't have it any other way.


	2. Junior

Church walked into the base to find a tiny reptilian creature sitting on the floor, covered in blue scales and sporting a feathered ruff around its head that looked unsettlingly like Tucker's scraggly mane. It hissed at him, showing tiny needle-sharp teeth, then honked.

"What. The hell. Is that."

Tucker came out of the bathroom with a gauze bandage wrapped around a growing patch of blood on his forearm.  
"Oh yeah, that's Junior."  
"What the fuck is wrong with your arm!?"  
"Do you want the short version or the long one? Bow chicka bow wow."  
"Please just tell me why there is a baby dinosaur in the middle of Blue Base."  
"Okay so you know that egg?"  
"Oh dear god."  
"Yeah, so after carrying that thing around and treating it like that fucking baby doll you get in high school Home Ec it just. Uh. Hatched?" Tucker looked down at his arm, where the bleeding had finally stopped. "So I named him Junior, because he's technically my kid I guess, and also he doesn't eat anything except my blood, so we're gonna need to put in a request for more bandages soon."  
Church just stared at the ground, then at Tucker, then at Junior. The hatchling screeched and started to drool.  
"Why does this shit always happen to us."  
"Honk!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to write the story of the origin of the egg once I get the motivation to write anything longer than a ficlet. for now, enjoy the silliness!


	3. Letters

Sarge glared through the sniper rifle's scope.

"I don't trust this new Freelancer gallivanting about the canyon."

Grif rolled his eyes, even though no one could see it behind his helmet's visor. "No shit. She's a highly trained soldier sent here specifically to murder us."

"And she technically is a dirty Blue," Simmons chimed in helpfully.

"That is correct, Private Simmons. However, that is not the only reason this black-armored miscreant is not to be trusted. Take a look at that tail. That ragged, waving flag of villainy. That, my dear boy, is the tail of a coyote."

"Okay, one, it's pronounced 'ky-oh-tee,' not 'ky-oat.' Two, why the hell does her being a specific species make her untrustworthy?"

"I hate to agree with Grif, sir, but that does make you sound a little racist."

"It's the letters, Simmons! The letters! Never trust someone with more than four letters in their species name. Rat. Pig. Wolf. Seal. All decent names. Coyote? No siree. Six letters is particularly evil."

"I would correct you on your pronunciation again, but you just gave me an almost-compliment for once, so I'll let it slide," Grif said smugly.

Simmons didn't want to argue with his commanding officer, but there were some major holes in that statement. "But sir, the rest of Blue Team has four-letter species names! Surely you're not saying we can trust them!"

"They may be stupid, and inherently evil due to them being blue, but they are still honorable soldiers."

Grif was instantly back to his usual snarky self. "Okay, so what does that make you? Last I checked, 'donkey' had six letters."

"I'll have you know, dirtbag, that I am a full-blown, American made ASS, thank you very much."

Grif made a noise that was probably poorly hidden laughter, but with the helmet speaker's distortion it sounded more like a choking sound.

Donut popped his head out of the base. "Oh no! Someone's choking on ass out here, and I wasn't even invited? For shame."


End file.
